I got two new tattoos last year. One to remind me of how I want to spend my time, and the other to remind me to be kind. The first is a pocket watch set to the time of my birth, and the other is a heart.

They were inspired by a clip, now lost to the streams of the internet, about how we should try to be kinder. Not be kinder. Not be kind. No demand, no high standard. No metric of success and failure. Just try. Then try again the next day, and the next. Show up everyday and try.

Then recently I was listening to Pivot and its co-host Scott Galloway talking about his “kindness practice”. He confessed to not being a naturally kind person, but he deliberately cultivated a kindness practice.

Scott Galloway Notes on Being a Man

It got me thinking about what my kindness practise would look like.

I started a list in my journal, looked at it every morning for a week, and came up with something that works for me. Then I started filling in why they work, or why I included them in my list. If you’ve been thinking about how to be kinder, how to break out of the toxic masculinity box and be a real mensch, it’s not a bad exercise to go through.

Here’s my list. Drop your suggestions in the comments if you want.

Smile

Be good company, make small talk, be friendly.

We recently moved into a new condo in a neighbourhood we didn’t know. I made a point to look people in the eye, smiling, and saying hello. I was surprised by how many people were surprised. It’s payed off in having good neighbours, one of whom did my new ink last fall. She did an amazing job. She also helped me trouble-shoot my breaker panel, her being an electrician and all.

The ‘weak ties’ of casual acquaintances or fleeting interactions (barista, neighbour, colleague in a different department) have mental, emotional, and physical benefits including but not limited to enhanced happiness and feelings of belonging, reduced stress, depression and loneliness, greater physical activity, and even greater job opportunities and longevity.

https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2023/07/strength-weak-ties

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-weak-ties-impact-mental-health-11951309

Listen

A smart-ass once told me that I wouldn’t need to learn how to listen if I was actually listening. True, but not helpful.

Try this: listen so well, ask questions, and seek to understand the other person so deeply, that you can argue their point better than they could themselves.

Pay attention to their logic, to their mental and emotional state, to the details and the narrative. Listen with empathy and suspend all judgment. Be patient. Understanding someone’s point of view is not the same as agreeing with them, but it’s a good start to a conversation, collaboration, negotiation, or conflict resolution.

https://umbrex.com/resources/tools-for-thinking/what-is-steelmanning

It’s also not bad for cultivating, nurturing and even repairing relationships.

Do What’s Asked

90 percent of success is just showing up consistently. Show up, on time, ready to the work.

It’s also a great way to be a good friend. Show up and do what’s asked without having to be in control all the time.¹ Without over-thinking, arguing or ‘improving’ what’s being asked.

Or as my troop sergeant liked to say: “Show up, shut up, shovel.”

I struggled with this one for a long time. When asked to do something I asked many questions and made many suggestions. I told myself I was being helpful, but I realize now it looked like I was trying to get out of the work, or worse, being constantly critical. Turns out that’s exhausting for other people.

When I started just saying “okay” and just doing what’s asked, things started getting better between me and my sweetie. So I tried to be aware of being present more often with others. Turns out it’s a great way to be in many situations. It’s even helpful supporting a friend going through a rough time.²

Combined, “Listen” and “Do What’s Asked” can be very powerful.

Be Kind to Your Body

Sleep well, drink water, lift heavy things. Eat real food, but not too much.

These are several different practices rolled into one. Over the years I’ve had to peel back the layers of my health, mental or otherwise. Quitting smoking and getting on a CPAP machine got my sleep under control. Lifting heavy things or otherwise moving my body helps me be more focused. Advancing years, for which I’m grateful, has also forced me to drink more water (and less beer) and eat more greens (and fewer donuts and burgers). When I don’t, the wheels start to come off my mood and my productivity.

Being kind to my body means I have a better life, because people like me better, because I’m nicer. It’s a virtuous circle that’s worth the effort.

Mark Rippetoe, Starting Strength Basic Barbell Training

This is the book I used learn to lift heavy things.

Micheal Pollen, In Defence of Food

Micheal advocates that we eat, real food, not too much. Which is one of those ‘too simple to be true but really is helpful’ bits of advice. He also wrote The Omnivore’s Dilemma, also a great read.

Be Kind to Yourself

Be compassionate and forgiving, speaking to yourself as you would a treasured friend, loved one, or child.

I’ve talked about self compassion before. My shouty internal dialog even had a name, Bob. Now I get him to sit down and let me handle business, because I don’t need a drill-sergeant type in my head screaming all the time. It’s demoralizing, and leaks out into how I treat other people out in the world.

https://practicalmanagers.com/2025/01/07/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd-and-the-fear-of-no/#drill-sergeant

He’s got me through a couple of tight spots in the past, but he’s retired now.

Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

Ironically, self-compassion and kind self-talk helps me keep better better personal and professional boundaries which, again, means I have a more meaningful life for myself and others, because I focus on what’s important, because I’m nicer to myself.

Be Kind to Others

Recognize others, their strengths, contributions, and generosity. Be generous with your praise and compliments

This thesis, from Prof G, is the latest addition to my (until now unconscious) kindness practise, and the trigger for this writing. He’s recalls a close friend with natural warmth made him want to deliberately model and adopt kindness as a trait.

Scott Galloway Notes on Being a Man

Underpinning this and other thoughts in this book is a broader “algebra of happiness” thesis: that the single best predictor of happiness is the depth and meaning of your relationships, both at work and at home. A kindness practice is, in his view, the means by which you build and sustain those relationships.

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There you go. Being kind lets us have a more meaningful, more significant, more joyful life. A life of significance is a life of kindness and uplifting others but, as with many things, we have to start our ever expanding concentric circles of impact with ourselves.

If you have a kindness practice, or are thinking about one, share your experience if the comments if you can.

1. That “being in control all the time” bit is just for me. You can’t have it. ↩︎
2. Sometimes people don’t need you solve their problems. Sometimes they just need you to sit in the mud with them. Just show up and shut up. Put down the shovel. The work is just sitting still with them. ↩︎