I got two new tattoos last year. One to remind me how I want to spend my time, and the other to remind me to be kind. One is a pocket watch set to the time of my birth, and the other is an anatomically correct heart.
It was inspired by a clip, now lost to the streams of the internet, about how we should try to be kinder. Not be kinder. Not be kind. No demand, no high standard. No metric of success and failure. Just try. Then try again the next day, and the next. Try to be kinder. Show up everyday and try.
I was reminded of this listening to Pivot, wherein co-host Scott Galloway talked about his “kindness practice”. He confessed to not being a naturally kind person, but he cultivated a kindness practice.
Scott Galloway Notes on Being a Man
While there are many topics I agree with Professor Galloway about – his analysis of the challenges of young men and their affects on our society, and his coaching of them, for example. Some I disagree – ‘toxic masculinity’ is a thing.1
It got me thinking about what my kindness practise would look like.
So I started a list in my journal, looked at it every morning for a week, and came up with a list that works for me. Then I started filling in why they work, or why I included them in my list. If you’ve been thinking about how to be kinder, how to break out of the toxic masculinity box and be a real mensch, it’s not a bad exercise to go through.
Here’s my list. Drop your suggestions in the comments if you want.
Smile
Be good company, make small talk, be friendly.
We recently moved into a new condo in a neighbourhood we didn’t know. I made a point to look people in the eye, smile, and say hello. I was surprised by how many people were surprised. It’s payed off in having good neighbours, one of whom did my new ink last fall.
The so-called ‘weak ties’ of casual acquaintances or fleeting interactions (think barista, neighbour, colleague in a different department) have mental, emotional, and physical benefits including but not limited to enhanced happiness and feelings of belonging, reduced stress, depression and loneliness, greater physical activity, and even greater job opportunities and longevity.
https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2023/07/strength-weak-ties
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-weak-ties-impact-mental-health-11951309
Listen
A smart-ass/wiseman once told me that I wouldn’t need to learn how to listen if you’re actually listening. True, but not helpful.
Try this: listen so well, ask questions, and seek to understand the other person so well, that you can argue their point better than they could themselves.
Pay attention to their logic, to their mental and emotional state, to the details and the narrative. Listen with empathy and suspend all judgment. Be patient. Understanding someone’s point of view is not the same as agreeing with them, but it’s a good start to a conversation, collaboration, negotiation, or conflict resolution.
https://umbrex.com/resources/tools-for-thinking/what-is-steelmanning
It’s also not bad for cultivating, nurturing and even repairing relationships.
Do What’s Asked
90 percent of success is just showing up. Consistently. Show up, on time, ready to do the work.
It’s also a great way to be a good friend. Show up and do what’s asked without having to be in control all the time.2 Without over-thinking, arguing or ‘improving’ what’s being asked.
Or as my first troop sergeant liked to say: “Show up, shut up, shovel.”
I struggled with this one for a long time. When asked to do something I would ask too many questions, make too many suggestions. I told myself I was being helpful, but I realize now it looked like I was trying to get out of the work, or worse, being constantly critical. Turns out it’s exhausting for other people.
When I started shutting up and and just doing what’s asked, things started getting better between me and my sweetie. So I tried to be aware of being present more often with others. Turns out it’s helpful supporting a friend going through a rough time.3
Combined, “Listen” and “Do What’s Asked” can be very powerful.
Be Kind to Your Body
Sleep well, drink water, lift heavy things. Eat real food, but not too much.
These are several different practices rolled into one. Over the years I’ve had to peel back the layers of my health, mental or otherwise. Quitting smoking and getting on a CPAP machine got my sleep under control. Lifting heavy things or otherwise moving my body helps me be more focused. Advancing years, for which I’m grateful, has also forced me to drink more water (and less beer) and eat more greens. When I don’t, the wheels start to come off my mood and my productivity.
Being kind to my body means I have a better life, because people like me better, because I’m nicer. It’s a virtuous circle that’s worth the effort.
Mark Rippetoe, Starting Strength Basic Barbell Training
This is the book I used to get started lifting heavy things. Can personally recommend.
Micheal Pollen, In Defence of Food
Micheal advocates that we eat, real food, not too much. Which is one of those ‘too simple to be true but really is helpful’ bits of advice. He also wrote The Omnivore’s Dilemma, also a great read.
Be Kind to Yourself
Be compassionate and forgiving, speaking to yourself as you would a treasured friend, loved one, or child.
I’ve talked about self compassion before. My internal dialog even had a name, Bob. Now I get him to sit down and let me handle business, because I don’t need a drill-sergeant type in my head screaming all the time. It’s demoralizing, and leaks out into how I treat other people out in the world.
He’s got me through a couple of tight spots in the past, but he’s retired now.
Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
This is the original work on self-compassion, and worth the read if you’re interested in learning more.
Be Kind to Others
Recognize others, their strengths, contributions, and generosity. Be generous with your praise.
This thesis, from Prof G, is the latest addition to my (until now unconscious) kindness practise, and the trigger for this writing. He’s recalls a close friend with natural warmth made him want to deliberately model and adopt kindness as a trait.
Scott Galloway Notes on Being a Man
Underpinning this and other thoughts in this book is a broader “algebra of happiness” thesis: that the single best predictor of happiness is the depth and meaning of your relationships, both at work and at home. A kindness practice is, in his view, the mechanism by which you build and sustain those relationships.
There you go. If you have a kindness practice, or are thinking about one, share your experience if the comments if you can.
- Honestly I’m picking the fly-shit out of the pepper here. How we describe ‘toxic’ behaviour, masculine or otherwise, doesn’t detract from the many good points he makes in his book and talks. If he doesn’t want to call culturally reinforced shitty behaviour by men ‘toxic masculinity’ because it closes the conversation with men who feel attacked, who am I to argue? ↩︎
- That “being in control all the time” bit is just for me. You can’t have it. ↩︎
- Sometimes people don’t need you solve their problems. Sometimes they just need you to sit in the mud with them. Just show up and shut up. Put down the shovel. The work is just sitting still with them. ↩︎
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