Why Marriage is Hard

Leadership Thoughts #305

I could have titled this post “Why Leadership is Hard”, but I’ve already used that one:

https://practicalmanagers.com/2026/01/31/why-leadership-is-hard/

There are many things that are hard. Things that have many moving parts, are hard to do, and hard to predict while they’re in progress if they’re going to be successful or not.

Many things have to go right in the right order to get the desired results. In marriage the stakes are incredibly personally high. In business, the stakes can also be high, and there are many more moving parts and people to account for.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P_versus_NP_problem

Anyone who sat through wedding toasts or sought business advice knows, there is lots of advice out there. Some of it is helpful or true or kind. Sometimes it can be two of those. Rarely all three. Most of it is not.

My least favourite marriage aphorism is “Don’t go to bed mad.” Well, maybe you should go to bed mad. Maybe a nice hot chocolate and a good night’s sleep is what you both need. You can go at it in the morning, when you’ve both had your coffee and some breakfast. Maybe you won’t even remember how the fight started.

…and in that time, maybe think about how you might do better. Not about how the other person(s) failed, did wrong, or what they need to do next. If you think about them, try to understand what they’re feeling, and why they might be feeling that way, or what they need to feel safe.

I believe we can’t change other people. We can order them, but if you’re relying on your ‘authority’ (in relationships or leadership), you’ve already lost. Most of the time, most of us can barely manage ourselves, let alone fundamentally change who we are. But we can try to understand.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/neuronarrative/201707/8-reasons-why-its-so-hard-to-really-change-your-behavior

That’s what relationships and leadership have in common: think less about the other, and more about how you can show better. Less about “if ‘they’ would only…” and more “what do I need to do for ‘us’ to be successful.” This is the hard part. Especially when the stakes are high and emotions are involved.

I spent the last ten years in a 29-year marriage being very frustrated. Hoping that if I said the write combination of words, or did the right things, that somehow, magically, everything would be all right. They weren’t. And when I swung the other way, to self-pity and selfishness, I was being hurtful to myself and others. I did damage to relationships and people, including my own children, that I will never be able to undo and will always regret.

I left it too long, but eventually I learned. When I worked on myself, and got clear on what I was and wasn’t willing to tolerate, I ended up in a much better place. You shouldn’t have to break yourself in order to make a relationship or a job work, but you do have to put in the work.

Regulate. Reflect. Reconnect.