Tag Archives: feedback

Reinforcing my contention that 90% of the daily feedback to our staff should be positive feedback, Alex Bogusky argues that when you focus on learning from failures “You create a fearful culture where you spend a lot of time looking at where you screwed up.” Instead you should celebrate success and forget failure, and the research backs him up by showing that we learn more from our successes.

I tripped across another little gem in my blog reading this week, published in the Harvard Business Review. While they publish much which is good, I choked on this paragraph:

“2. Co-Create New Rules of Engagement. When managers share the process of defining new expectations, they create foster both individual and collective ownership of the problem. “Organizations function best when committed people work in cooperative relationships based on respect,” as Henry Mintzberg has written. “Commitment becomes contagious when people realize its immense benefits not only to the organization but to themselves.”"

I really have no idea what this means, or what I’m supposed to do with it. If I step back and think about it, I’m not even sure what the author means by “mean girls”. “Mean” is a judgment, not a behaviour. We can give feedback on behaviours, but the judgement is ours to own.

When we tell one of our staff that they’re mean, or a jerk, or gossiping, what’s their reaction going to be?

“No I’m not.”

. . . and they’re right. Them being a jerk is your conclusion after observing their behaviour. You can go back and forth all day playing the “Yes you did – no I didn’t game” if you want. Not the best use of your time though.

My recommendation is to focus on the behaviour when giving feedback. The things that people do is behaviour. Behaviour is the stuff you can see, hear, and feel. It’s the words we use, the tone of voice, our facial expression, our body language, and our work product. What you saw is fact, not a conclusion that you drew from observed behaviour. It can’t be argued with. What does being a bully, a jerk, or a gossip look like? Describe that behaviour in concrete terms.

We can then describe the consequences, and then get a commitment  to behave differently in the future. Consequences is where the judgment comes in if needed. For example: “Jeff, when we’re in a customer meeting and you roll your eyes, put your hands behind your head, lean back in your chair, and exclaim in a loud voice “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard”, it makes you look like a jerk. Can you stop doing that? “

**many thanks to the Manager Tools Podcast for setting my feet on the path of righteousness on this issue.

Good parenting: simple rules, repeated often, enforced consistently

Good Management: clear expectations, constant feedback, given consistently

Changing our own bad habits is really hard. Having struggled with smoking most of my adult life I can testify (fifteen weeks without and counting this time). New research into brain plasticity brings us good news and bad news.

The bad news is that habits are even harder to kill than originally thought. Turns out the brain defends itself from change, and with the right triggers long subjugated behaviours are invoked even after years. The person who is changing still have to be self-motivated. They still have to want it. Otherwise the unconscious push-back on their part will actually reinforce the behaviour we’re trying to help them change. It also take longer to support a permanent behavioural changes than thought.

The good news is that with positive re-reinforcement, we can influence other’s thinking. Not too much, but somewhat. Changing old habits and healing old wounds is not so much a matter of re-living, repeating, and excising them. Routing around the ‘damage’ to set up new ways of thinking and habits is much more effective. In others words reliving the reasons, causes, and history only reinforces the behaviour we want to change.

The article also has several interesting things to say about self-perception and self-talk. You know that little voice in the back of your head that tells you what a big faker you are? My personal coach calls it the drunken monkey. I’ve also heard it called the lizard brain. This self-talk actually changes what connections get created in our brain. So what? You think you’re a loser because you tell yourself you’re a loser because you think you’re a loser . . .

The last take-away was how much emotions drive decision-making. More so than we’ve ever realized before, or perhaps even more than we can know because so much of it happens on an unconscious level. I’m not advocating that we should suppress emotions to make better decisions like some sort of Mr. Spock. Awareness of why we’re making certain decisions helps us make better decisions. Greater self-awareness drives greater success, happiness, and alignment of our lives with our values.

So get out your positive feedback, and let people know what behaviour they’ve demonstrated that you want more of. Catch them doing the right thing.

Eventually you’ll run into somebody who really doesn’t want feedback of any kind, ever. This is a serious problem. Somebody who is unwilling or unable to change and improve, or even meet standards, after consistent and repeated feedback about an issue is somebody who will soon have very few choices. Before we get drastic, however, we need to give them feedback.

Yes, more feedback.

They’re going to get feedback about their inability to accept feedback or change their behaviour. This is a much more serious talk. Mark Hortzman of Manager Tools calls this “systemic feedback”.

It looks pretty much like the feedback we’ve given until now. It’s specific (this is what I saw or heard), it matters (these are the consequences when you do that), future oriented & on them (what can you do differently next time?) Except this time it’s about their inability to accept feedback. It looks something like this:

“Sebastian, can I give you some feedback? [pause and wait for acceptance] We’ve talked a couple of times about you coming in late. You made a commitment to me that you’d be in and ready to work when your shift starts, but you’re still coming in late. So this is what’s happening: I’m wondering why you’re blowing me off, and I’m getting a little ticked. I’m also wondering if I can trust you to keep your word about this, or also about anything else. This needs to change before it becomes a serious problem. What are you going to do?”

You may be asked if they’re in trouble, or about to get fired. The answer, at least to begin with, is  “No, you’re not in trouble, but this needs to get fixed.” You’re trying to help them not get fired. Resorting to positional authority is not the best way to influence people anyway. The motivation needs to come from them, not from you or a fear of getting fired or because you’re yelling at them.

Your feedback is still short and sweet, delivered in a low-key, calm way. There’s no need for drama. It will only come across as a farce, and there’s enough drama in the words. You’re also probably feeling a little tense already, especially if this is something you’re doing for the first time. They’ll pick it up, don’t worry.

Changing behaviours and habits is hard, and we’re there to support our people as they go through those changes. This means being patient and consistent, reminding them as needed about where they need to be and what they said they were going to do.

What should you do when somebody doesn’t want to hear your feedback? Or starts making excuses, giving justifications, and arguing with you?

You’ve gone to all the trouble of learning how to give feedback, when to give feedback, and who to give feedback to. You’ve practised giving positive feedback, giving corrective feedback, and you’ve learned to gracefully accept feedback given to you (even when it’s wrong or poorly delivered), because feedback is important. It’s the air that your top-performers breath.

Now it’s not working because the person who needs to hear it doesn’t want to hear it. They either don’t want to hear it in the first place, or they get really defensive and start arguing with you. The nightmare scenario is that they’ll come back to work after lunch with a hunting rifle.We’re not going to deal with that here. It happens very rarely, and it’s such a different issue it’s beyond the scope of this blog article

Putting aside the rifle scenario, there’s a simple and easy way to handle this: do nothing.

If you’ve asked to give somebody feedback and they decline, then accept the declination. The reason for asking in the first place is to give them control over a scary situation they usually don’t have control over, so that when they’re ready they’ll actually be listening. Maybe they’ll come back later, or they’ll accept your invitation for feedback next time, or when the timing is better for them. Maybe they just need to visit the bathroom before they circle back around to you.

Accept the pushback like you would if somebody handed you a big bag of groceries. With both arms wide open. If you watched President Obama at the health care debates, you’ll know he’s really good at this. Telling somebody that they’ve made a good point is surprisingly disarming. It works because you’ve made your point, they’ve made theirs, and now you’re done. Arguing back at somebody who doesn’t want to hear what you have to say is counterproductive. You’ve put your marker down, they’ve heard you, now back off and let them digest it.

When you starting to give justifications, make arguments, or even start making excuses in return, it makes it should as if you don’t really believe what you’re saying, or worse, you’re not listening to what they’re saying. Just like them. You feel like you’re not being listened to? Don’t compound their error by engaging in the same behaviour.

It’s just as likely they’ll go away, think about what you said, and change their behaviour anyway. They just need some time to think about it, or find a way to accept it with some dignity. Which is what you wanted. If you wanted them to come to you and tell you you’re right and what a great person you are, then don’t be a leader. That’s never going to happen. At least it’s never happened to me except once until five years after I left a job, over a beer, in thirty years of being a leader.

Eventually you’ll run into somebody who really doesn’t want feedback of any kind, ever. That’s a different issue. Somebody who is unwilling or unable to change and improve, or even meet standards, after consistent and repeated feedback about the issue is soon won’t have a choice. They’re going to get feedback about their inability to take feedback or change their behaviour. This is a much more serious talk, so more about this next time.

For now, get over yourself and settle for the little win. You’ll know, and they’ll know you know, and they’ll be performing better. Show some confidence in yourself by *not* being pushy, and it’s all good. Simple rules, repeated often, and repeated consistently will give you the results you want.

Sometime it takes family to really push our buttons. I have a fourteen-year-old daughter who is a wonderful human being, yet she is a fourteen-year-old daughter. Don’t worry, I’ll live, but I’m not sure she will.

I joke, of course, but still when I asked her why she hasn’t taken the recycling out for the last week (sorry, when I ask her what’s holding her back from taking the recycling out the last week), and she starts making excuses, I feel my buttons getting a workout.Especially the big red “Daddy” button on my forehead. I really don’t want to hear why the recycling hasn’t been done. I just want to know when she is going to do it, or if I need to take her to bottle depot to get the bins in the garage emptied.

If you’re getting hints, feedback, or hostility from your boss about a missed deadline, project, or deliverable, the thing near the bottom of the list of what your boss wants to hear is why it didn’t get done. Please go back and read that sentence again, because it’s important. Even if your boss actually says: “Why didn’t you get me those numbers by noon like you said you would?”, they don’t want to know why you didn’t get them the numbers. They want to know

a) when you’re actually going to get them, and

b) if you can’t get the numbers what you need from them, if anything. And maybe next time maybe give them more warning, ok?,

Yet sometimes even our bosses have a bad day, and the feedback they’re giving us isn’t especially helpful or clear. Or they aren’t very good communicators. Or they’re just a shouty, stabby kind of boss who’s constructive criticism isn’t all that constructive. There are a couple of things we can do. And yes, getting yelled at is a form of (bad but still useful) feedback.

First, watch your own emotions. It’s easy to get carried away by somebody else’s excitement, disappointment, or anger. Take a deep breath if you have to, then:

1) Ask yourself if there’s anything you did or might have done that contributed to their current state. Maybe they’re wrong, maybe they’re not.

2) Ask yourself what would make a reasonable person behave that way. Try to put yourself in their shoes, see things from their perspective. E-mail is notorious for flipping our intended meaning, since 90% of the emotional communication is missing from it. Be especially careful and non-confrontational in e-mail communications.

3) Ask yourself what is the right thing to do now. Maybe you can fix this, maybe you need to apologize, maybe you need to come up with a way that this situation won’t happen again. Maybe some of the above, or all the above.

What you’re trying to come away with is two things: you want to keep the relationship intact if possible, and you want to come away with whatever it is you might need to improve.

We hate hearing that we’re not doing things as well as we should, or that we need to do things differently in the future. Giving feedback is just as uncomfortable. The person giving feedback, whether it’s a subordinate, peer, or manager wants the same things we do: to preserve the relationship, and to improve performance.

The person giving feedback may not alway be sure how the recipient is going to react. They may have had bad experiences in the past either getting or giving feedback, just like you. They might not especially like confrontation and are better at trying to avoid it. Yes, this is a manager’s job, but that’s another blog posting.

So when we are getting feedback, it’s up to us to listen to decide for ourselves if there’s any value in what’s being said. Remember the person giving you feedback is extending themselves. They are trying to do you a favour even if it doesn’t feel like it. Only a true friend will tell you when you have spinach stuck in your teeth, but in the end you’ll be happy that they did.

Premise: A CEO should know what’s going on with all 45,000 of his staff at all times. Discuss.