Category Archives: relationships

How to Get the Credit You Deserve

Posted on June 20, 2011 | 1 Comment

A couple of weeks ago I got an  e-mail from a former co-worker asking what shy employees could do to get the credit they deserve for the work they do. The past couple of weeks I’ve talked about

Which is all great, but shy people are shy. Which means marching into your bosses office with a year’s worth of accomplishments isn’t really in the cards. Not that I would suggest that you do that anyway.

Manage the Relationship

Relationships are funny things. They don’t just happen. At least, not usually. Some people seem to be able to walk into a crowded room of strangers and come out with a dozen new friends. They’re lots of fun to be around, for sure, but at least half of the world is not like that.

So what does this half of the world do? For us, relationships are a matter of trust built over time. The more time we spend with somebody, the more we trust them, the stronger the relationship.

Ideally you shouldn’t have to manage your relationship with your boss  by yourself. You and she would be managing your relationship together. By which I mean you would be getting half-an-hour of face-time with them, one-on-one, every week. If that’s already happening for you, that’s fantastic. Stop reading here.

If not, and the thought of asking your boss for a half-hour commitment once a week scare the bejesus out of you, then start smaller. Take that summary you’re getting from your weekly plan/do/review exercise, and e-mail it to her.

Write a Weekly E-mail

It doesn’t have to, and really shouldn’t be, a long detailed e-mail. Just enough detail that you can recall what you were talking about a year from now. Hit the highlights:

  • what did you get done last week, and
  • what are you going to focus on this week.

End of story. If you have more than a three or four sentence paragraph consider editing it down.

First and most important, it ensures you are working on the right thing. No point in putting in all that effort if your boss needs you to be working on something else. And didn’t realize you weren’t working on it. Imagine that going on for weeks or even months and then them finding out you weren’t working on what they thought you were . . . Oh, you don’t have to imagine it? Oh dear.

Secondly, it keeps you top of mind with your boss and all the things you’ve accomplished in the last year. Especially when it comes time for that all important performance review and bonus and raise (or even, as I was discussing with a family friend this weekend, departmental budget discussions)

Third, it made it easier for your boss to write your performance review. All they need do is pull up all e-mails from you titled “Weekly Status Update” and start remember all the wonderful things you accomplished. With enough specifics and details to justify the high rating you now deserve.

When You Become the Boss

Ideally this conversation would be taking place face-to-face, one-on-one with just you and the boss every week. In half-an-hour or less  you’d cover a lot of ground. But most bosses are very hard to convince that giving up a half-hour slot for every direct report they have every week to do a status update and maybe even some coaching and mentoring. What they don’t realize is that this is a viable alternative to spending their time  running around with their hair on fire.

The hair-on-fire-dealing-with-the-latest-emergency-and-oh-my-god-I-have-500-e-mails-in-my-in-box happens in part because they don`t manage their employees. They think they do, but they don’t deal with setting priorities, reviewing work, assigning work, coaching, mentoring, and giving feedback in a one-on-one situation with each of their direct-reports every week, they`re not. If they did that, their hair wouldn’t be on fire in the first place.

So we’ll help them as best we can by keeping communications open.

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Posted in communications, continuous improvement, effeciency, effectiveness, engagement, feedback, influencing, mentoring, performance appraisal, performance review, productivity, relationships, self development, self improvement

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Manage Your Boss

Posted on June 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

Last week I promised that I would talk about managing your boss. I’ve written about this in the past, albeit in bits and pieces.

The first step, of course, is to actually do your job.

The second is to communicate to your boss on a regular basis, at least weekly. But first, an important message:

“Managing Upwards” is Stupid and Dangerous

In most cases most of the time your boss is your boss because they’re good at their job and they get things done. Acting like you think they need to be “managed” will only piss them off when they figure it out, and they will. This is a person who has control over your addiction to food, clothing, and shelter. Acting like you think they’re a moron that needs to be controlled is not a good strategy.

Besides, we can’t really control how other people behave. Trying to do so is futile and counter-productive.

What Can You Do?

We can deliver, we can manage the relationship between the boss and ourselves, and we can communicate.

Assuming that you’re competent at your work, whatever that might be, productivity shouldn’t be the issue. If it is, work on that first. Being somebody who delivers what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to gives you credibility.

Without that credibility, whatever else you do to influence the relationship is just manipulative. In the worst sense of the word. Don’t think people don’t notice. They do.

Deliver The Right Thing

There’s no use climbing the corporate ladder (or getting through the daily grind) if your corporate ladder is against the wrong wall. You may be great at your area of expertise, or maybe you were hired because you certain skills and influence, but . . .

Being really good at your job and delivering the right work products are two different things. I’ve been guilty in the past of working on the things I enjoy doing. Which was fun for me. Not so much for some of my early bosses.

Some of them had the intestinal fortitude to give me the feedback I needed and set my feet upon the right path. The conversation wasn’t always pleasant at the time, but in hindsight I am grateful to them.

What Are Your Boss’s Priorities?

Bosses have priorities, trade-offs, and pressures too. Do you know what keeps your boss up at night? Do you know what company strategic priorities she’s responsible for delivering on? Do you know how what you’re doing supports what she’s trying to accomplish?

What are your company’s, division’s, department’s, and team’s priorities? If you don’t know, how will you find out? Does your organization have them? What is your boss trying to accomplish?

Whether you’re a machinist or a technical writer you probably have the skills, experience, and knowledge needed to perform your job. If you’re really good you’ll understand your part in what your company is trying to do and adjust your priorities and work to line up with what it’s doing.

Shouldn’t that be enough? Unfortunately, it isn’t.

Next Week

Communicating with your boss: do you know their preferred style?

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Posted in behaviour, influencing, productivity, relationships

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Who Are Your Best Employees?

Posted on May 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

I got an e-mail from a former colleague of mine, a wonderful if quiet lady who was instrumental in supporting a major bid I was the proposal manager on several years ago. She wrote to ask me some career questions:

Hi Bernie,

I have been reading your articles from your company pages on LinkedIn. Good articles by the way! I quite enjoyed them. I have a question that comes from your article on employees being treated “fairly”. By the way, I totally agree with the philosophy — each person has to be recognized for their contributions, or punished for messing up, in an appropriate manner. The “how” they are praised or punished has to be appropriate for each individual. What I still don’t see is how the person who harasses someone in an office gets the promotion while the person who was harassed got fired. I also wondered at how one person, who works hard all day and has excellent quality, doesn’t get recognized for their work while the person who is exceptional at politics (and doesn’t work all day, less output –with the same quality level) gets kudos for their work. Is this where the interpretation of “unfairness” comes in? This is also where the following question comes in.

Have you done any research on how managers might help people who are not outgoing, i.e., extroverts versus introverts? Another subject that comes to mind are those people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorders. They are so different in how they are (or not) able to interact that they must be handled differently also. How do managers help build up confidence in these people? This question comes to mind because I read some statistics the other day about how 4-5 people out of 10 have physical disabilities whereas 7-8 out of 10 have mental (anxiety/panic, bipolar/schizophrenia and depression) disabilities. This was quite a surprise to me and yet we still don’t address it or recognize it as being a major part of our society and how we function.

I feel managers have a major part in recognizing these employees and should have strategies to help them. After all, extroverts may be the ones to come up with all the ideas but it’s the introverts who are able to carry through and get the work done.

X.

She’s absolutely right. It is the job of managers to get the best out of the people working for them. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. Managers get the best out of their staff by recognizing those strengths and weaknesses and adjusting the work-load, training, and coaching to get that best.

The Effect of Poor Promotion Decisions

I see this often in my current consulting work. People have been promoted as a reward for doing good, or because they are good at convincing their boss they’ve done good. You might say their strength is managing the relationship.

This isn’t always what’s best for the company. Especially when the newly minted manager doesn’t realize that their rôle and the skills required have fundamentally shifted. At best they are only mildly effective.

At worst, they are actively holding back the company, wasting time and resources, demoralizing others, and blocking advancement to more deserving employees. Plus the job they used to do so well is being left un-done or done poorly.

Let me say this as clearly as I can: Managers Manage People.

Managers Manage People

They don’t manage departments, or projects, or work product, scope, quality, schedule, or cost. They manage people, and everything else is managed by proxy through those people. Once you’ve gone beyond the level of individual contributor, the tools and techniques will fundamentally change. You now lead the collaboration.

Collaboration, team-work, relationship building- they’re all especially important in intellectual, knowledge-based, and innovative workplaces. It’s only going to get more collaborative as the Chinese and other formerly third-world economies come on line. Everything eventually becomes commoditized and sub-contracted.

One of my clients is currently in India talking to his drafting department. Don’t think he isn’t trying to figure out other ways to reduce his costs, work internationally, and grow his business. They have a low-bid Chinese competitor working on the building next to theirs spurring him on every day. The Chinese product’s installation may suck right now, but their people will get better at it.

Once you’ve gone beyond the level of turning a wrench, running the cash register, or writing that report, you’re effectiveness depends on “using” your people most effectively.

Let the Facts Speak For Themselves

Recognize and develop the people that actually do the work, based on facts and measures. Don’t get suckered into favoring the ones that have the skill to build a relationship with you. You will lose credibility.

I’m not saying that staff shouldn’t have the ability to build relationships. Certainly it’s a strength and a skill. I’m saying they shouldn’t be promoted based solely on the strength of their relationship with you.

As managers we shouldn’t have to judge the people that work for us. The facts, presented fairly, will do that for us. That’s why properly performed performance reviews are not just an annual event. They’re a process. One that you need to pay attention to every day.

Managing Your Relationship With Your Boss

My first response to Lady X (sounds mysterious doesn’t it?) was:

. . . . there’s a podcast I’d like to recommend to you called “Career Tools”. It can be found at http://www.manager-tools.com/podcasts/career-tools , and also on iTunes if you listen to podcast on your iPod or other technology. Of particular interest to you I think would be the “Professional Updates” episode: http://www.manager-tools.com/2008/11/boss-one-on-ones-professional-updates .

I’ll be writing more next week about how employees can help themselves, and about dealing with different behaviors and personalities most effectively.

In the meantime consider this:

How Should We Judge Managers?

Imagine you’re a manager. The CEO has decided your promotion and bonuses are now based on the fit and performance of the people you hired in the past. In other words, every year you will be evaluated by how well the people you hired into your company are doing, whether they still work for you directly or not.

You’re being evaluated on how well you pick and develop talent. How would that change how you whom you hire and how you lead them?

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Posted in coaching, coaching, developing staff, engagement, influencing, leadership, mentoring, productivity, promotion, relationships, selecting talent, teamwork

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To Touch or Not To Touch

Posted on May 15, 2011 | Leave a comment

I recently got an e-mail from a former co-worker and current friend, who asked:

Do you think managers should be more ‘touchy-feely’? Here is a pretty interesting collection of studies, summaries that have looked at the power of non-sexual touch.

http://bit.ly/hBIOME

Gord

Hi Gord,

I’ve done a little experiment since you sent this link to me. I’ve reached out and touched some of my clients at the end of our sessions – usually a full open palm on the back, shoulder, or arm. It’s had mixed results. Some seem to welcome the touch. They know that we’re connecting and supporting each other. Others seem to tolerate it, or wonder what I’m up to. I’m not a touchy-feely guy by nature, so my first advice would be:

It Depends

Some people will welcome it and need it. It’s reassuring for them. For others it’s threatening and unwelcome. Likewise unconsciously pulling away from somebody with whom you’re trying to build a relationship, and who reaches out to you, is counter-productive. So my second piece of advice would be:

Watch Carefully

Watch carefully how they react and watch carefully how you react. It comes back to being mindful of what’s happening around you. For those of us who are task/doing oriented versus people oriented this is a conscious effort.

I’m not saying you should start working the room and back-slapping it that’s not your nature (or stop if it is). It might be as simple as not making a face when somebody shakes our hand for a little too long (or noticing when somebody is being uncomfortable with your too-long-for-them handshake).

If you’re more people oriented remember, not wanting to be touched doesn’t mean we don’t like you. Your enthusiastic approach to life is great, but there are some out there who might misinterpret your intentions.

Be Sincere

So if you’re trying to fake sincerity, and if you do you’re going to get busted, you’ll be harming the relationship. If somebody suspect on a subconscious level that you’re hamming it up just to influence them, even if that isn’t your intention, the trust you’re trying to gain will be lost instead. You’re better off keeping your hands to yourself (if that’s who you really are) than coming across as awkward and fake.

The opposite is also true – if you’re an outgoing person by nature, being stiff and formal will be odd, and people will notice. Like a tie that doesn’t match your suit. Better not to wear the tie than to try to fit in.

If you’re Bill Clinton or Tony Robbins, this advice doesn’t apply to you. Influences of that skill and depth have their own personal reality-distortion fields. If you’re not, don’t try and fake it.

In order to influence people, we have to make them feel comfortable and safe. So my last piece of advice is:

Pay Attention

Adjust your behaviour to your audience. Drucker said “Communication is what the listener does.” In this case it means learning to adjust our style on a moment-by-moment basis to the people we’re with and the situation we’re in. Nothing tells somebody we care as much as paying attention to them. There are no cookie-cutter solutions when it comes to people. You want to influence them? Pay attention.


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Posted in behaviour, body language, communications, conflict, emotional intelligence, engagement, focus, listening, relationships, teamwork

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Working in Small Teams

Posted on April 24, 2011 | 1 Comment

What is the right size for your team? Is your organization too flat and the team too big? Can your company become too big?

Vladimir Lenin once said

“Quantity has a quality all its own.”

He was talking about guns and tanks, of course, but it holds true for people too. Adding somebody to a team doesn’t just increment the complexity  and communication within that team by 1, it increases it by the size of the team plus one. For example, if there are two people working together, there is 1 path for communication. Three people, 3 paths (an increase of 2). Four people, 6 ways to communicate (and mis-communicate). Five people, 10 ways and so on.

One More Makes All the Difference

By adding one more person, pretty soon the number of relationships to keep track of becomes very crowded. One of the principle of Scouting laid down by it’s founder was “working in small groups”. He knew from his previous experience that both adults and youth work best in groups of about eight or so.

Years later research came up with the “seven plus or minus two rule“*, which tells us that our brains can hold about seven pieces of information, or deal with seven people (give or take) at the same time. More than that, and we start to lose track of what’s going on.

In Real Life

As a Scout leader I had the unique opportunity to observe the affect of adding or removing and individual Scout to or from a patrol. Just by changing one person the dynamic of the group changed entirely. An energetic, disruptive kid would make the patrol energetic too. Not always a bad thing mind you.

Now, in my work as a consultant I work with many executive teams that come in different sizes and configurations. I’ve noticed that when there are three or fewer people in the room the interaction, conversation, challenging ideas just don’t take off with any energy. At nine or more it starts to break down again. People don’t get heard, one or two people  dominate the conversation, there’s just too much going on to capture it all in a meaningful way. The ideal number of thinking, contributing, energetic people in a room has an upper and a lower limit.

Your Actions

Are your teams the “right” size for your organization? Are you trying to get too much done by stuffing as many people into the room as possible, and therefore slowing things down and falling into the trap of a false economy? Or are you trying to “keep people focused” by making your team too small, and then losing out by excluding people them instead of getting them engaged and switched on?

*Later research showed that short-term memory capacity is probably closer to four “chunks” rather than seven.

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Posted in communications, engagement, influencing, leadership, productivity, relationships

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Managing Your Boss

Posted on March 30, 2011 | 2 Comments

There are keys to success in managing bosses.  First, put down on a piece of paper a “boss list,” everyone to whom you are accountable.  Next, go to each person on the list and ask, “What do I do and what do my people do that helps you do your job?”  And, “What do we do that makes your life more difficult?”

~ Peter Drucker

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Posted in execution, listening, relationships

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Why Do Looks Matter?

Posted on March 20, 2011 | 2 Comments

My son is happy working as a printer, running a fairly complex machine. He has a good work ethic and is loyal to his family and friends. I like him. He’s a good kid. Yet he and I have an ongoing  argument. It’s been going on for years. I can see his point of view because when I was a kid I felt the same way. It kind of goes like this:

It shouldn’t matter what somebody looks like. It’s what’s on the inside that counts

People Trust What They See, Not What They Hear

On some level it really shouldn’t matter what somebody looks like. Sometimes a person’s qualities and contributions are overlooked or missed because we’re caught up in making judgements about their credibility based on appearances. The obvious examples are skin colour or gender. How somebody speaks, how they’re dressed, what school they went to also might have an impact on our impression of them. More subtly and more powerfully, how they stand, personal grooming, smiling also have an effect. Is this always right? Probably not.

So my son is right, but he’s also wrong at the same time. When we’re trying to be effective in an organization full of people, when we’re trying influence other people, what we think doesn’t matter. It’s what they think matters. The alternative is to give the world a great big middle finger and walk away from society. Which is a choice some people have taken.

Most of us make instantaneous, unconscious value judgements based on peoples appearance. Even when we try not to. We’re visual creatures. Our eyes over over-ride ears most times, and it happens faster than a Maserati can make it to MPH. About 4 seconds. After that “cognitive bias” (also known as “people enjoy being right”) sets in, and we begin to disregard everything that doesn’t fit. We only remember the behaviours that fit our first impression.

Always On

This means we leaders, managers, and influencers need to be on our game all the time. “You never get a second chance to make a first impression” is an old saying because there’s some element of truth to it. Even when we’re not at work, people are watching us. I remember getting a little silly at a bar in my early days as a young officer. For me that means I spent some time on the dance-floor in front of the band doing my best impression of what I think of as dancing.

I heard all about it from my sergeant the next day, because I had been seen. A couple of my privates that happened to be at the same bar. They had duly gossiped, uh, reported  it to the rest of the squadron. It was a quick and easy lesson in how leaders are always leaders.  I had another reminder of this the other day, when I had an e-mail come through my blog, asking me to do a favour. My anonymous peer asked me to remind managers of some basics. There’s no nice way to say this, so I’ll just quote:

Love your articles, but there are aspects of leadership you haven’t mentioned and to be honest I didn’t think of them either until I had lunch yesterday with an old friend from the [multi-national name deleted] days. Anyway this person was totally grossed out when his manager, who also dresses shabbily, started to scratch his balls during a meeting. Don’t know how you would write an article about that, other than to suggest that managers should strive to maintain a dignified demeanour at all times.

How much credibility and influence do you think this manager has in his organization? No matter how technically savvy he is, probably not a lot.

Your actions:

  • Brush your teeth and shower regularly
  • Dress appropriately
  • Smile
  • Speak clearly
  • Sit or stand up straight
  • Don’t scratch your privates or pick your nose where others can see you

Do these things for a week if you don’t already, and notice what changes happen in your interactions with other people.

Other Reading:

Fashion tips for grown-up men
On matching shoes and socks
How to dress to impress – professional grooming tips for business women
First impressions and giving employee feedback

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Posted in behaviour, body language, effeciency, effectiveness, engagement, getting dressed, influencing, leadership, relationships

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Ask Before Giving – Making Feedback Even More Effective

Posted on February 28, 2011 | Leave a comment

The word “feedback” very often gets defences up and vibrating. Here are some approaches you might want to try  for getting past those defences.

1. Ask first

Why ask? Because then the target of your feedback has some control. Even if they don’t feel they can say no, saying yes to feedback helps lower the defences.

A bit manipulative? Maybe, or you could think of it helping them feel comfortable with what they’re about to hear.

You’re not the kind of boss who asks permission to do your job? Maybe, or you could think of it as being more effective. Defensive people aren’t listening and communication is about the listener does. Don’t worry, the big flashing red “boss” sign over your head never goes away no matter how nice you are.

2. Pleasantly Surprise Them

If you’re already giving positive feedback, good for you. If you’re not, what are you waiting for? There will come a day when you’ll need to give somebody corrective feedback. After all the positive feedback you’re giving they’ll be ready for it and they’ll hear it. In the meantime, keep feeding the monkeys.

3. Don’t push . . .

You’ve asked if you can give your employee feedback, and she says no. Now is not the time to push. You’ve given them a shot over the bow already, and they probably know what it is they’ve screwed up. They need time to collect themselves, or to fix the problem, or something else is on their mind which is why they’re having an off day. In any case, they’re not in a receptive mood. They’re not going to hear you anyway.

Either they’ll change their behaviour without having the conversation (you win, and they get to keep their dignity so you win), or they’ll come back later when they’ve collected themselves and are ready to listen (you win), or they won’t. If they don’t then . . .

4. . . . Until There’s a Pattern

. . . ask to give them feedback again. Do this two or three times until it becomes obvious they are closed to improving or working better with others. In that case it’s time for systemic feedback. Feedback about them not accepting what you, the boss, has to say about their performance. This is a bigger issue, and now they don’t get a choice.

Your Action

Ask to give positive feedback to somebody working for you in your organization every day this week.

Outstanding bosses give feedback continuously, many times a day. If you’re not used to this, and especially if your staff is not used receiving feedback from you, once a day is a good start. Walk before you run.

Further Reading:

Everybody Wants Feedback
How to Give Positive Feedback
How to Give Corrective Feedback
When Your Feedback Gets Pushback

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Posted in behaviour, change, coaching, communications, continuous improvement, developing staff, effectiveness, engagement, feedback, influencing, leadership, listening, mentoring, productivity, relationships

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How Often Should I Give Feedback?

Posted on February 21, 2011 | 4 Comments

My Smart House Cat

Sometimes our cat thinks she’s a dog. I believe this because when we house-trained our dog, we hung bells from the back door knob and he learned to ring them with his nose when he needed to go out. Persephone (my daughter named the cat for the Queen of the Underworld, which says more about my daughter than the cat, but not by much) observed this for a while, and then started to ring the bells herself.

I dutifully ran to the back door and let her out before realizing what I’d done. In that instant I’d trained the cat to expect that when she rang the bells somebody would open the door for her. Action and reward.

It’s been cold here in Calgary for a while, so even when we know Persephone is just checking to make sure the weather is the same out the back door as it was out the front just five minutes ago, she’s learned to be quite persistent. Eventually somebody will come along and let her out. Listening to the jangling bells is too annoying. Behaviour and reinforcement. The dog passed away about six weeks ago. We really could take the bells down, but I just don’t have the heart.

Many Fat Happy Monkeys

Training animals and giving feedback have some things in common. No, people aren’t cats, and humans aren’t monkeys. Yet there’s something to learn here. If you want to train a monkey to ride a skateboard, you don’t slap it on the skateboard and then yell at it for not performing tricks. First you put the skateboard in the cage. The monkey doesn’t freak out at this new and strange object that’s invaded its space.* You give it a slice of peach when it stays calm when the skateboard appears.

Maybe the monkey moves towards the skateboard. Peach slice. Maybe then the monkey touches the skateboard. Peach. The monkey sits on the skateboard. Peach. The monkey allows the trainer to push the monkey. Peach. Pretty soon you have a fat, happy monkey doing kick-turns and axle stalls.

The Human Advantage

Giving feedback to people isn’t really much different. The biggest difference is that because if we use language properly we can accelerate the process. Every movement, behaviour, or action in the right direction gets noticed and praised. Immediately, specifically, and sincerely. Progress ensues. Many fat happy monkeys, er, staff.

So what happens when the monkey throws the skateboard at the trainer? Nothing. Any body language, tone of voice, or facial expression that gives away anger is a clue on how to control the trainer. Animal trainers know that reacting to bad behaviour (shouting, waving arms, angry faces) is only letting the animal know what they need to do to provoke you.

Again, people are not monkeys (at least most aren’t). Funny enough it works the same way with many people. Emotions leak through, and that affects how the message we’re trying to give is received. Even on a subconscious level. If you can give specific, sincere feedback and still smile, then go ahead and give the feedback. If you can’t smile, then wait until you can. Otherwise you risk doing more harm than good.

Your Actions

In the next week, look for opportunities to give positive, specific feedback (or just a thank-you even) for people who are moving in the right direction. When somebody is trying, they’re actually looking for approval and encouragement.  Even if you suspect they got lucky or did it accidentally, recognize and reward at as many opportunities as you get. Don’t hold out on the peaches!

I wonder what it would take to get the cat on a skateboard?

Previous Blogs on Feedback:

Everybody Wants Feedback – having the courage to give feedback pays off for you, them, and the company
We Owe Ourselves Feedback – how do you react when somebody gives you feedback?
Why Feedback Doesn’t Work
Train Yourself to Give Better Feedback – start by practising this everyday for a week
Getting Better at Giving Feedback – from their behaviour to your reaction and back again. Knowing what going on underneath the surface.

*I can’t remember where I read this example. If you know the source please let me know in the comments so I can give proper credit. Thanks.

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Posted in behaviour, body language, communications, developing staff, engagement, feedback, influencing, leadership, relationships, self-awareness

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Getting Better at Giving Feedback

Posted on February 14, 2011 | 3 Comments

My wife and I spend the last couple of weekends with friends, and for the most part it’s been great. Having them over to our place for coffee last weekend, or eating Chinese take-out and drinking beer after an evening at the archery range this weekend. New friends and old mixing and matching.

Yet twice in the last ten days I’ve had  friends tell me they can’t be in the same room as so-and-so. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but so-and-so were also long-time friends. Naturally I asked why. The answer surprised me. Not only the answer, even though the we’re talking about completely different people, but also because both times the answer was the same: so-and-so is a sexual predator.

Imagine my surprise.

First Impressions

First impressions are funny things. In Malcolm Gladwell’s What the Dog Saw he describe a situation where teachers’ abilities judged over a year is remarkably similar to the same evaluation of the teacher based on four seconds of video tape.

It seems that first impressions are remarkably accurate, or permanent and consistent, depending on your point of view and awareness of cognitive filters. That is, once we’ve decided what kind of person we’re dealing with based on our first impression of them, we immediately shift to either ignoring all evidence to the contrary or emphasizing any and all evidence to confirm our initial bias.

Which means you have about four seconds to make a “good” first impression. That’s faster than a Mazaratti goes from 0 to 60 miles per hour.

What does this have to do with giving feedback to? Everything and nothing. In a perfect world our biases of who a person is (or should be) won’t play into our management of their performance. But people are people, and our biases and filters affect how we perceive everything and everybody. It also affect how our direct reports perceive our feedback.

Can You Tell If Somebody Is Lying?

Here’s an interesting though experiment: What percentage of police officers, detective, judges, and psychologists do you think can tell when somebody is lying or guilty? They should be pretty good at it because of their training.

Got a number? Good. Now how many of those same officers believe they can tell when somebody is lying or guilty? Is your second number higher or lower than the first one?

Here’s the research-based number: in a 1984 study of 14,000 police officers, only 33 of them had an above random chance of detecting deception. That’s 0.2%.

Focus On Behaviour Not Attitude

This means that of all bad attitude, spitefulness, ignorance, stupidity, laziness, or predatory behaviour we might meet in our daily lives probably isn’t. I’m not saying that they doesn’t exist. I’m saying the we can’t crawl into somebody’s head and know what they’re thinking. We certainly can’t and shouldn’t give feedback meant to improve performance based on our assumptions of somebody’s motivation or mental state.

Projecting our own biases on a direct report whose behaviour we’re trying to influence is not effective at best, and counter-productive at worst . What can we do about it?

Focus on Behaviour Instead.

There are three things happening before we decide why somebody is doing what they’re doing, or are the person we think they are. They do something, we feel something, we make conclusions about their motivations. They say or do something that triggers an emotion in us. The emotion becomes our understanding of why they behave that way. Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye-contact, words used are what make us feel threatened, unsafe, disrespected, or ignored. Those feeling drive our assumptions about their intentions.

The problem is some of us leap directly to the motivation, without being aware of what the behaviour was , or even our feelings that triggered it. Our unconscious biases, based on our feeling, emotions, experience, and culture, are constantly filtering for us the things we are aware of.

To become good at giving effective feedback, we need to become aware of the behaviour that triggered the effect it has on us and the people around us. When we can name the behaviour, we can start to give effective feedback to change that behaviour.

Your Actions

Spend a week noticing your judgments of other people. Notice when somebody’s behaviour affects you positively or negatively. What was the emotion your felt, and the conclusion you drew from it?

Now, dig into this emotion – what did that person say or do that drove you to that particular conclusion?  What was their body language, facial expression, eye-contact, words they used, tone of voice, or work product? What did you hear or see that made you feel what you felt, and therefore draw the conclusion you drew?

Further Reading:

Malcolm Gladwell What the Dog Saw
Joe Navaro What Every Body Is Saying (Joe Navarro is a former FBI counter-intelligence agent and behavioural assessment expert)

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Posted in behaviour, body language, communications, conflict, conflict management, developing staff, emotional intelligence, feedback, focus, influencing, leadership, relationships, self-awareness, values

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