Category Archives: communications

How To Be A Generous Listener

Posted on May 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” — Winston Churchill

The biggest influencing skill is the skill of listening. You cannot hope to be heard until you’ve listened. Your influence will only reach to the extent you’ve payed and attention – and have been seen to pay attention.

As a listener, most of what we think of as listening happens inside our head. Let’s set the table and invite our speaker to sit with us:

Be a Generous Listener

Generous listening is the assumption of favourable intent. It means if somebody says something that can be taken in more than one way, they meant the good way. Or they are, in their own way, trying to help you. Or maybe you misunderstood?

I told a close friend of mine once that she “had to own her own shit.” I meant that she had to take responsibility for her own emotions and actions. She thought I had said “had to eat her own shit.” A subtle but important difference. Hilarity ensued.

Be a Respectful Listener

Is it safe to tell you bad news or give unfavourable feedback? Can you handle the truth? Listening means being vulnerable sometimes. Putting yourself out there. Exposing yourself to things that are hard to hear and maybe even hurtful.

Can you be compassionate and understand that the person telling you the bad news might be feeling vulnerable too? That if they’re telling you something unfavourable that it might actually be happening?

Be a Calm Listener

Your silence is not mean you agree with what is being said. Not interrupting, however, shows respect. Not interrupting is listening.

Sometimes people take a while to get to their point. They need to feel safe before they can get to what they really want. Personally this drives me nuts, but my therapist was really good at it.

President Lyndon Johnson was especially good at this. He could actively listen for hours, and spent much time on the telephone, waiting patiently to pounce when the speaker got to what they really wanted. [On listening to Johnson's private phone calls]

Your Actions

Can you think of a conversation you’ve had in the past that might have gone differently with using any one of these techniques? What upcoming conversation can you apply these techniques too?

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Posted in communications, conflict, conversation, engagement, influencing, leadership, listening, relationships

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Outstanding Entrepreneurs Do This Well

Posted on May 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

Are you getting sucked back into the daily drama, details, and problem solving that you (supposedly) hired others to take care of? Are you unable to pull your head out of the minutia of running a business to think about where that business needs to go next? Are you reacting to daily and hourly crises instead of being “proactive”?

Sprinter and Rabbits

If you’re a successful entrepreneur, you probably have a strong bias towards action. You’re a doer, a decider, the action gal. It’s a big part of why you’re successful. Like a fast running sprinter, or the hard to catch rabbit, you move fast..

A sprinter runs so fast and so hard they leave everybody else behind in the parking lot. That’s good if you’re ahead of your competition. If you’re leading a business it may be a problem.

If everybody else is still trying to figure out where the finish line is when you’ve already crossed it, then you’re not really being a leader. The idea of leadership is to get everybody across the finish line as quickly as possible. Not just you.

The rabbit is also fast. A rabbit who is trying to evade a coyote will zig-zag and change direction quickly. Also not a bad thing if you’re taking advantage of opportunities and can change direction quickly to stay ahead of your competitors.

This doesn’t mean your staff knows which way you’re going next, or if they’ll be able to keep up. It may seem to them that they’re chasing a crazy rabbit who keeps changing its mind.

If Nobody Else Can Keep Up, Maybe They Aren’t the Problem

Your bias to action comes with a blind spot, sometimes. Making sure the team understands where you’re going next as a company. This helps them make decisions that line up with the company strategy (so you don’t have to), or anticipate where they need to be next. You may be frustrated that people don’t seem to get it, or keep up, or have the same excitement or energy or engagement as you. But they’re frustrated with you too.

They’re frustrated because you’ve left them behind, or they’re tired of chasing your zig-zagging rabbit backside. They can’t see the stuff you, the leader, can see.  And you’ve taken off without sharing what’s happening in your brain. So what are they supposed to do next? You could hire mind-readers, but my wife isn’t available.

You’ve lost your staff. As an entrepreneur or leader you can’t do it all yourself, and you’ve learned (hopefully) how to delegate and supervise. This frees you up to do what you do best: Create and discover new opportunities, get out in front of emerging markets, anticipate changes, hire the right people.

You may keep getting sucked back into the daily drama, details, and problem solving that you hired others to take care of because you keep running away without telling them where the finish line is.

You Need Them, They Need You

You do have to recognize that people can’t read your mind. People don’t know what you know, and they certainly don’t know what you’re thinking. Changes in speed and direction need energy, especially for the non-rabbits.

Those  detail guys and gals sometimes drive you nuts, but they keep you out of trouble. Worker bees get the mundane but important things done every day. The ones that are effective and efficient and complete because they take their time and think things through. And drive you crazy because they can never decide anything without you.

Maybe you can’t slow down to their speed, and maybe they can’t accelerate to yours. But you can meet them halfway.

What You Can Do

* Think a little more

Sit on your new ideas before throwing them out, and expecting people to understand what they’re supposed to do next. Not every idea you have is a good one, so don’t overwhelm the detail guys and gals with stuff that’s not going to happen because you change your mind tomorrow

* Over-communicate.

Keep your message simple and repeat it constantly. If you can’t explain what your company does and who its customers are in a way an eighth grader can understand, then it’s not simple enough.

* Listen more than you talk

Close the loop and listen as intently to your internal staff as you do your customers. You listen to your customers, right? This will tell you if your message is getting through, and having the desired effect. Adjust as necessary.

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Posted in coaching, communications, conflict, delegation, developing staff, engagement, execution, leadership, listening, mentoring, motivating, self-awareness, teamwork

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Why Are You Hiding Your Values?

Posted on May 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

I was in Rogers on Tuesday (they’re a local  cell phone service provider), on the 29th anniversary of my engagement to my bride, trying to get her a phone upgrade.  I thought it would be a simple process, and a nice gesture on our “asking” day.

Silly me. Three hours later we walked out with a new phone, bitter and disappointed at the service we received from Rogers. The only reason I didn’t switch was because the clerk couldn’t get through to her own customer service to cancel my contract, and I didn’t want to spent my entire anniversary waiting for this to get sorted out. But that’s not really what I want to talk about today.

While waiting I noticed the Roger’s one-page strategic plan lying on the counter. It seems I’ve inherited my grandmother’s faculty for reading upside-down. At least somewhat.

That skill had something to do with why she spent a few years living in Argentina after the war. There’s also something about her burning her then-dead German husband’s papers on the roof of the apartment in Switzerland under cover of doing laundry before fleeing. That’s also another story.

I asked the clerk if I could take a look at her company’s values, and she said no. She hid it furtively. As if she’d been caught doing something wrong.

This puzzles me. If a company is going to go through all the time and effort of discovering a set of expected behaviours for the company, then why can’t its customers see it? Are they embarrassed? Are they afraid that customers will laugh? In Roger’s case, given my treatment by them that night, that might realistic.

I began wondering how many other companies have values that they’re not willing to share with their customers, suppliers, and partners. Are they afraid to be held accountable to them? If you set out values and expected behaviour for everybody in your company, and you know that that’s not who your company really is, then I might understand your reticence.

I challenge you to publish your values. I dare you to make a public commitment. Commitment that is necessary for accountability and results. If you’re not willing to make that commitment, maybe you need to go back to your executive retreat and have another think.

If it turns out you don’t have any values, besides just making money, which I doubt, then don’t make something up. You’re not fooling anybody. Share who you are as a company, and be willing to be held to it. Otherwise the public will make up its own stories about why you behave the way you behave, or treat them the way you do.

Then make sure there’s a way for your clients, staff, suppliers to tell you when you are – and aren’t – living up to them. Listen. They’re already talking about you anyway. If you’re not hearing them it’s because you’re not listening.

If you’re not willing to fire employees behaviour that  consistently violate your core values, or you’re not willing to fix internal systems that consistently violate your customers humanity (such as making a phone upgrade a byzantine, three-hour gauntlet of bizarre rules and contractual obligations that require approval from an unreachable customer service representative in some overwhelmed call centre), then don’t waste your time.

There is a direct line between integrity and execution. If you don’t understand the this linkage between vision and engagement, values and execution, purpose and urgency, then stop wasting your time. Don’t waste it on “values” and “strategy” if you’re not going to follow through, or are doing it only because all the other “good” corporations are doing it.

That’s how I got started smoking – because the “cool” kids were doing it. It took me more than 29 years to quit and permanently damaged my health. But that’s another story.

My Own Personal Values

For the record, here are my own personal values:

  1. I will keep my word
  2. I will not lie, steal, cheat, hate, nor tolerate those who do.
  3. I will leave this world better than I found it.
  4. I will deal with reality, and face my fears. The only easy day was yesterday.
  5. Family first and last

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Posted in behaviour, communications, engagement, execution, strategy, values, values

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Your Profile Is Not An Excuse

Posted on April 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

I’m a fairly detailed, action-oriented kind of guy. In fact, if you look at my DISC profile, I’m about as far away from the “people” side of the chart as you can get. But it’s not an excuse for me to be a jerk.

What it is an opportunity for me to understand how other people see me, and how might sometimes need to change my behaviour to be more effective in working with other people. Notice how I said “change my behaviour”.

Sometimes people seem to think that learning about communication styles and behavioural profiles is  to learn how to manipulate people. The question they’re trying to answer is “How do I make other people do what I want?” The answer is “You don’t.”

What you can do is understand how and when changing your own behaviour makes you a more effective leader, team member, or follower. Where your own blind spots might be. To understand that it’s not always personal, or about you, or about them being a jerk, a liar, a bully, or a milk toast. Their perception of the world is different.

Stated more accurately, your perspective of the world is different from theirs. “They”, people who see the world differently, are in the majority. It’s not up to them to change.

I’m never going to be a Brian Mulroney or a Bill Clinton, with my own personal charismatic-reality-distortion-field. But I can learn to sit up straight, smile, speak clearly, and look people in the eye when I talk to them. In fact, I like to think I’ve done a pretty good job at that, and it’s made me better and more effective in my job.

What are your blind spots? How can you meet the rest of the world half way?

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Posted in behaviour, change, communications, emotional intelligence, influencing, relationships, self improvement, self-awareness, teamwork

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When Trust is Gone, Nothing Else Works

Posted on March 25, 2012 | Leave a comment

When trust is gone, nothing else works. It’s true for friendships, marriages, politicians, and companies.

I ran into this with recently with a client. Two feuding departments who look to the CEO to resolve differences, but can’t get the decisions they need. Instead of one company working together, there are two departments working in parallel and duplicating effort. But it’s even worse than that.

The Effect

The atmosphere between the two department heads, and between some of their staff, is now poisoned with mistrust. They’re at the stage where they’re actively sabotaging each other.

Instead of having a creative and concrete conflict about substantive issues, solving problems, and moving the company forward they’re covering up weaknesses and mistakes, jumping to conclusions about each others’  intentions and attitudes, and not talking to each other. Grudges fester and meetings are dreadful and unproductive.

So What?

We can’t reach into the past and change things. There are some things we  can do.

First, it’s up to you as a leader to model vulnerability for your team. Admit mistakes, listen to feedback, ask for help. You can’t do it all yourself, that’s why you hired smart people to work with you. Use them to make yourself better, just like you want them to lean on each other.

Support vulnerability. Do not tolerate destructive or critical behaviour. One of my construction clients even has it written in their company ground-rules posted in every meeting room: Swearing is allowed and even encouraged. Personal attacks and blame are not. They laugh a lot, even when things seem to be at their worst. Then they buckle down and get things done.

Lastly, encourage healthy, passionate debate. Get everybody’s opinion. Don’t allow one or two verbal bullies to dominate the conversation. If we all agree all the time, then some of us are redundant. Get all opinions on the table, discuss the worst case scenario, get clear on what you’re trying to do, figure out specifics of who’s going to do what by when.

Then go execute.

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Posted in communications, conflict, conflict management, emotional intelligence, execution, meetings, teamwork

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It’s About People, Really

Posted on March 18, 2012 | Leave a comment

I got a huge compliment from one of the company partners this week. He said “You’ve done a great job learning to connect with people the last year.” Now, this might sound like a left-handed complement, but for me it’s something that I’ve consciously focused on the last little while. I’ll never be a Bill Clinton, but it’s something that was important to get better at.

Changing behaviour like that is hard and requires continuous focus. I came from a software and project management background, and in my earlier life I was little better than most at persuading people to work together. Which is to say that I was a little better than a company full of engineers, programmers, and project managers. When I started working at RESULTS.com I realized that not only was I going to have to raise my game to the next level, but that there are levels above me that I wasn’t even aware of.

In my current role as a business execution specialist connecting with people and building trust and a relationship is the biggest part of the job. They are trusting me with their companies, their livelihoods, and livelihoods of everybody in their company. If you’re a CEO you’re even more so in the hot seat. The buck stops with you.

Which is why I was surprised when I got briefed in on a new client recently. Part of what I was told is that they don’t want any of that fuzzy-wuzzy psychology mumbo-jumbo. Just come in and fix what’s wrong. This gave me the first sign of what my approach was going to have to be. Except I would have to be patient. Spend time face-to-face with the players. Build trust. Establish a relationship. You know, all that fuzzy-wuzzy psychology mumbo-jumbo stuff. Because at the c-suite level it’s all about the people. And trust. And relationships.

If you’re a lumberjack you’d better know how to use a chain-saw. If you’re a manager, leader, or CEO, you better know what makes your people tick and how to get them working together. Either that or you can pay somebody like me a lot of money to “fix what’s wrong”.

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Posted in behaviour, communications, conflict, conflict management, delegation, developing staff, emotional intelligence, engagement, influencing, persauding, relationships, teamwork

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Simple Communications For Outstanding Managers

Posted on March 12, 2012 | 1 Comment

Got a meeting request from my manager the other day. It had a simple title: “Performance Review”. Nothing else.

Now some more context: I’m not against performance appraisals, and welcome the opportunity to sit down with my boss and see where we’re at. Haven’t have one in a while. So this is good.

Yet I was in a mild panic. To quote Hortsman’s Christmas Rule: if it’s important, and you don’t do it very often, it’s going to be stressful. Just like Christmas. Was it just me he was having this chat with? Did I miss something? Who else was going to be there? What did he want to talk about?

My response was: “Anything you’d like me to prepare?”

Now I get accused of being too nice sometimes, so maybe I could have worded that a little more strongly. I was a little pissed but didn’t want to show it. At least not yet.

Back in my Air Cadet days, one of the leadership troupes they taught us about communicating and speechifying was: tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them. A little simple but it worked for fourteen-year-old brains. This communique didn’t have any of those elements.

So here I am, doing what I think is a fairly decent job, and now I’m wondering if I’m getting called on the carpet, in trouble, or even about to get fired. No worries, I’ve kept my network warmed up and ready to go. I figure I’m good.

The other thing that was missing was what I like to call the Three Questions. When doing a presentation or communicating, ask yourself: what three questions would my audience like answered? 

That helps take us out of the “what do I need to say” and into a “what do they want to hear” mode. Being more focused on the audience helps us connect with them better.

It wasn’t two hours before the boss came out with a follow-up email which explained his intentions, agenda, and what he’d like us all to prepare for our one-on-one sessions. Turns out this is going to be a regular, on-going check-in for all of us. Some two-way communication going on. Yeah!

Which I’m sure was his intention in the first place. He just forget I can’t read his mind. Maybe asking “what three things does my audience want to know” might have avoided any of the short-lived misunderstandings.

p.s. this works for public speaking, town-hall meetings, newsletters, etc. too. What three things does your audience want to know?

p.p.s goes to show that even us experts get things wrong once in a while. The hardest thing about management is not managing, sometimes it’s remembering what to do in the right context at the right time.

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Posted in communications, emotional intelligence, listening, performance appraisal, performance review

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No Points for Difficulty

Posted on March 5, 2012 | Leave a comment

Running a business is not like Olympic diving. You don’t get points for difficulty. Which is why is was a little frustrated with one of my clients last week. We were talking about role scorecards – a one-page description of the key responsibilities, measures, and expected behaviour of any position.

We’d done a good job of walking through the CEO role, but when I’d asked them to replicate the same for other roles, she sent me a two page description of roles and responsibilities. She said it’s what “she needs”.

OK, fine, but in the end it’s not about us. It’s about them. It’s about making clear to the people working for us what’s expected of them. But the longer we talk about it (or the more we write about it) the less clear it becomes. Which is why getting a job description down to one page is really really hard, but really really worth it.

I was emptying the dishwasher and catching up with my teenage daughter on the weekend, telling her about my week. Now maybe I’ve just rubbed off on her a bit, but she got it.

This is a girl who wants to open her own retail fashion store one day, and gets that if she wants to design and manufacture her own clothing line, she’s going to have to a) make money, and b) have people working for her that can do the job. Business is hard enough. Why make it harder?

I hugged her. She doesn’t let me hug her very often, but this time I insisted.

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Posted in communications, emotional intelligence, focus, listening, motivating, relationships

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Improv Rules For Business and Life (Part II)

Posted on January 30, 2012 | Leave a comment

Part 2 of Karl & Bernie’s conversation about how the rules for comedy improvisation can and should be applied to business and life. Have fun!

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Posted in behaviour, communications, emotional intelligence, engagement, execution, feedback, focus, listening, motivating, persauding, teamwork

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Improv Rules Applied to Business and Life

Posted on January 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

So my buddy Karl and I finally recorded another podcast on the topic of Improv Lessons for the Corporate World. Give a listen and let us know what you think.

You can also find some previous resources at:

Karl’s guest blog on Give Feedback
Rules of Thumb for Improv in Life and Business: Embrace Failure, Reject Fear 

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Posted in behaviour, communications, creativity, focus, leadership, listening, teamwork

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