When Your Feedback Gets Pushback

What should you do when somebody doesn’t want to hear your feedback? Or starts making excuses, giving justifications, and arguing with you?

You’ve gone to all the trouble of learning how to give feedback, when to give feedback, and who to give feedback to. You’ve practised giving positive feedback, giving corrective feedback, and you’ve learned to gracefully accept feedback given to you (even when it’s wrong or poorly delivered), because feedback is important. It’s the air that your top-performers breath.

Now it’s not working because the person who needs to hear it doesn’t want to hear it. They either don’t want to hear it in the first place, or they get really defensive and start arguing with you. The nightmare scenario is that they’ll come back to work after lunch with a hunting rifle.We’re not going to deal with that here. It happens very rarely, and it’s such a different issue it’s beyond the scope of this blog article

Putting aside the rifle scenario, there’s a simple and easy way to handle this: do nothing.

If you’ve asked to give somebody feedback and they decline, then accept the declination. The reason for asking in the first place is to give them control over a scary situation they usually don’t have control over, so that when they’re ready they’ll actually be listening. Maybe they’ll come back later, or they’ll accept your invitation for feedback next time, or when the timing is better for them. Maybe they just need to visit the bathroom before they circle back around to you.

Accept the pushback like you would if somebody handed you a big bag of groceries. With both arms wide open. If you watched President Obama at the health care debates, you’ll know he’s really good at this. Telling somebody that they’ve made a good point is surprisingly disarming. It works because you’ve made your point, they’ve made theirs, and now you’re done. Arguing back at somebody who doesn’t want to hear what you have to say is counterproductive. You’ve put your marker down, they’ve heard you, now back off and let them digest it.

When you starting to give justifications, make arguments, or even start making excuses in return, it makes it should as if you don’t really believe what you’re saying, or worse, you’re not listening to what they’re saying. Just like them. You feel like you’re not being listened to? Don’t compound their error by engaging in the same behaviour.

It’s just as likely they’ll go away, think about what you said, and change their behaviour anyway. They just need some time to think about it, or find a way to accept it with some dignity. Which is what you wanted. If you wanted them to come to you and tell you you’re right and what a great person you are, then don’t be a leader. That’s never going to happen. At least it’s never happened to me except once until five years after I left a job, over a beer, in thirty years of being a leader.

Eventually you’ll run into somebody who really doesn’t want feedback of any kind, ever. That’s a different issue. Somebody who is unwilling or unable to change and improve, or even meet standards, after consistent and repeated feedback about the issue is soon won’t have a choice. They’re going to get feedback about their inability to take feedback or change their behaviour. This is a much more serious talk, so more about this next time.

For now, get over yourself and settle for the little win. You’ll know, and they’ll know you know, and they’ll be performing better. Show some confidence in yourself by *not* being pushy, and it’s all good. Simple rules, repeated often, and repeated consistently will give you the results you want.